It is the week of May 6, 2024 and I have been reminded (I had forgotten the “anniversary”) that 10 years ago I had surgery for cancer and a hysterectomy within 2 months, the hysterectomy was on May 6, 2014. The writings below are excerpts taken from multiple blog posts I wrote during the experience which I had not read since. I have also included photos I took before the leg surgery, as well as from a ceremony I hosted the day before the hysterectomy. I am writing to share my experience, but most importantly to me, I write so that I do not forget. What I certainly remember is that my mother was with me through the process, which I am so grateful for. Thank you to my loved ones who supported me during that time, which was not easy.

I am surprised about what I forget. Maybe a purpose of “forgetting”, so that we can “remember” at some later date and have: the blessed feeling of “Oh Yeah!” and/or the twang of pain of what it brings up, so that we can give the memory some compassion.

In 2014 I found out that I have a rare cancer tumor (Liposarcoma) in my right thigh. It is huge. 20x8x8 cm. one nurse called it a ‘baby’.  

Between the “diagnosis” and the surgery, my DEATH would wake me up at 4am to tell me things I needed to do.  It said “you have held many secrets, you must now unburden yourself”.

I have gotten myself into a life knot and I am now untangling myself.  Emotional and physical healing is a profound experience and it is important to track it. 

As I lay in the hospital the night after surgery, I contemplated the multidimensional nature of our reality and how energies can be tipped over into one reality or another for different outcomes. 

I am in between the worlds.  The tumor in my body has been removed, and I have not yet heard the “diagnosis”, which “grade”…? Each “grade” is a potential reality that holds a unique set of possible futures.

I cannot forget that I have snarled, been difficult, wild and reclusive. I certainly need to remember how the people closest to me have helped me and stood by me during this challenging time.  

In the days after the surgery, I rejoiced in the feeling of each step, and remembered before surgery when the surgeon told me that he had to be very careful how he removed the mass in my thigh. He said if he removed it as he would in another part of my body, I might lose my leg due to muscle loss.  

The “changing” energy that can tip us into a more beneficial reality comes from the healing Life Force that weaves all benevolent life forms together.  This energy can be shared, and is found within each being. 

BLENDED SPIRITED ME-What I experienced at the time, yet didn’t talk about much…

The day before the surgery on my leg to remove the large liposarcoma in my thigh, I got the results from another scan that indicated a “hot spot” in my left ovary. I was told by my surgeon that ovarian cancer was a definite possibility, and that I had uterine fibroids. What?!!! I would have to wait for 3 weeks until an appointment with a new oncologist to think about possibilities, so I had time to think about various organs that might have something to say about ovarian cancer, fibroids, and removing my uterus.

A hysterectomy was scheduled, which brought up a whole other set of soul issues, (which is the focus of my trip down memory lane 10 years later).  Over the previous 5-10 years, I have come to understand that I am a blended spirited person. Here is the gist of my internal conversation that led to my decisions.

My male spirit inhabits this female body, and he is what he is, wants what he wants, and does what he does. He has lived behind the female me all my life, and he is ready to come out into the open. He doesn’t want me to change my physical form, and yet my form is being changed under the robotic knife.  My uterus and ovary are the sacrifice, before my aging body shuts them down on its own, through menopause. 

Over the three weeks of waiting, when I thought about the potential of ovarian cancer, I could hear the masculine self say he wanted more room for him, and my eggs say that they had not fulfilled their purpose by having a baby.  Neither was satisfied with me. I asked if we could all work together to come to consensus. They both said there had to be a compromise.  When I learned that the pain I had been feeling was because of my uterus, it became clear that it, and one ovary, would be removed.  All parties within agreed that this was acceptable.  

10 years later I write this message. I did part ways with my uterus, one ovary and both fallopian tubes. One lone ovary remains. I did not have ovarian cancer. False alarm. I am 10 years cancer free, may I never tangle with cancer again. I am grateful to have had the past 10 years to continue being in my aging body, and having the ever evolving conversation between my male spirit and female body and how we are going to continue living in this growingly complex world.  Thank you for listening.

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Gender Bending Cancer Memories

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