Greetings friends,

I am now gratefully ending my season of irritation. Yesterday was the end of the latest edition of Mercury retrograde. For the last month there have been a series of irritations working on me trying to get into me, trying to derail me, trying to anger me. I certainly do not say that I have dealt with it perfectly, and yet while it was happening I realized why. Just before Mercury retrograde, as I returned from the White Mountains in Eastern Arizona for the 2019 Wolf Spirit Camp, I felt that it was time for me to expand the ways in which I, and Web of Life animist Church, (an entity that I created and has now grown), can be more overtly helpful to people who need it. This came into my mind, and I rolled it around on my tongue for a number of days. I asked myself “in what ways am I holding back from being as helpful as possible?” I had to acknowledge that there was a big place within me that was holding back.

Vulture on my sunrise walk during this time.

Wrestling with “holding back” is an issue that I’ve dealt with all my life. I felt held back as a blended spirit teenager and especially, since I was in my mid-twenties when I had the experience that called me to this life I lead now. The experience opened something up in me, and it also opened a subliminal fear that I didn’t know I had, as well as an ancestral belief, which petrified me. I would feel the anxiety roll around in my innards, in my core, in my body and spirit, and I learned ways to not let it stop me. The feeling was that if I kept thinking the thoughts that were coming into my head, let alone share them, write them, speak them, “they” would come and take me away in the night. At the time there certainly were no people, some kind of thought police, waiting to take me away for some thoughts that I wasn’t even that sure about at the time. But the fear stayed with me, and has been with me since. I have gotten to know it intricately and deeply, and it actually has become a driving force in my spirit work and practice. The feeling that has been handed down through generations and lifetimes that going against a certain energy “never ends well”. When I dealt with cancer 2014, it made me face this fear head-on for the first time, and it was good because I had to deal with this bully. I created new ways to be able to do my work and feel more at peace with it. I addressed my fears so I wouldn’t have to “push through them”, instead they could just be there with me, rather than trying to stop me.

So here we are in 2019, in the middle of the Democrat debate season, slowly preparing for the long awaited 2020 election. Last night was the second debate and many ideas and visions were brought up and shared. Marianne Williamson spoke of a dark psychic force that has been unleashed in this country. Indeed.

So that brings me back to the fear. The feeling that they will come and take me away has shifted, partially because after DT took over the presidency in 2016 it became very clear who “they” are. Not so much about individual people, but more about the process of a certain energy inhabiting people, people accepting it, people being “infected” by it, to act on orders and beliefs that always “other” many folks in the culture. We are in a fluorescence of this energy.  Greed. My Way or No Way. The Earth is a Commodity. A Single Male God is supreme. “Whites” are the “real” humans. So many insane beliefs that many of us feel with a heaviness in our hearts and a knowing that these false ideas will do us all in.

Quynn with an irritated eye.

So back to the reason for this post, my Season of Irritations. Here’s a quick list of what has unfolded in the last three to four weeks. Glitchy new phone in the one area that I use most for my work. Grrr!. 24 mosquito bites in one night on my torso. Earth Web Media’s car key becoming electronically unprogrammed so it wouldn’t start. Something getting in my eye for over 2 weeks, just enough to irritate me. The car key that I thought was fixed became glitchy again so I had to take it back to be redone. Now Mercury retrograde is over. As it wore on I also started to see the gifts in those irritation experiences.

  • New airbags were installed by dealer, when I had no idea that there was a recall for my car. Keeping me safe, thank you thank you.
  • The appointment with the eye doctor lead to me realizing that I’m at the point of needing glasses. Safety. Thank you.
  • The issue with my phone made me reassess how I do my work online.
  • I was able to see many places in my websites that needed updating in order to manifest the next phase that was waiting on me to start (for months!).
  • For the days my car was out of commission (both times!) I was able to remember how it felt to not have a car to zip around in.
  • I got to practice how to keep my energy calm, especially when I’m irritated as F.
  • It. Could. Have. Been. So. Much. Worse. Thank you to all who protect me!!!!

These are the gifts. There are always gifts in messages. Even when it really sucks. There is something that I said that I wanted to have ready by August 1st.  A system for podcasting, including A Voice in your Head podcast, which I started this week. I have been holding off because this particular podcast is one where I share the voices that I hear in my stream of consciousness way….some of them make me nervous as they confront or discuss things that might draw the attention of the “energy”. I am, after my season of irritation, ready to finally say Fuck it. :)

 The reason that putting out both of these projects by today was important was because it is related to “how can I be more helpful”. There are voices within me that want to be shared, and that gives me the courage to move through any fear I have about going deeper. Everything in my body tells me “shut up, because it never ends well when you speak up”. I knew I could not give in to those voices, and so apparently I needed a bit of an irritation to push me out of my comfort zone and do more, be better and stronger.

As I meditated about the lessons of this time a couple days ago, the following message came to mind:
“You ask for guidance about moving forward in ways that are needed…. ok, here it is…
Get to it!
We brought you these irritations to bring you new skills.
Gotta be tough to do this work.
Go and get to it,
but stay humble,
cause this ain’t about you.”

I share these things about my inner world to Out myself, to make myself speak and share when I feel like hiding. I am being asked to step out even more than I already am. I am holding space for many people, and I am being asked to cultivate my ability to expand my abilities and my voice on behalf of those Humans and other People who need it most…, because everything depends on it. Thank you for your care and protection. I need it.
For anyone who reads this and snickers, rolls your eyes or wished “ill” for me as I share these words, take your attitude somewhere else. No offense intended or taken.
Mercury Retrograde and the Season of Irritation
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